Everybody Loves Me Baby
by dontgiveahoot
Summary: Yaoi, het. Story summary. Duo likes Heero. Relena likes Heero. They agree to let "the best one win". Soo... who does Heero like? Warning: humourous and not for those who can't stand the "non-standard" pairings.


EVERYBODY LOVES ME, BABY  
  
Oh lord, I think I'm mad. No, scratch that, I know for a fact that I am. But this jumped at me and just had to be written. Yeah, yeah, GW is not mine, duh fish if you didn't know THAT already.  
  
Rating: songfic, humour, shounen-ai, het, PG-13 for uh, shall we say a bit of unintended voyeurism?   
  
Song: "Everybody Loves Me Baby" by Don McLean. Song lyrics are in ~~little funny shaped thingies like this~~  
  
Summary: Relena likes Heero. Duo likes Heero. So... who does Heero like?  
  
************************  
  
"...And so I'm sure you can see that it would ultimately be best for all concerned if you gracefully conceded and let me and my Heero --"  
  
"Ha! YOUR Heero? Fat chance, ojousan! Heero likes ME!" Duo glared at her from the other side of the palatial Peacecraft parlour, where he had been "invited" to join Relena for tea and "a little chat".  
  
Dark blonde eyebrows knitted. "Well, then. We'll just have to see who he chooses, won't we? We'll soon see who he likes."  
  
Violet eyes narrowed in response. "Are you suggesting a competition to get Heero? What a one-sided contest. You've lost before you've begun, Relena."   
  
"Oh?" Voice icy as the Arctic. "Shall we see about that, then?"  
  
"Fine, whatever! We'll each present ourselves to Heero and we'll see who he chooses. I'll even let you go first so that you have a fighting chance. So come on then, and may the best MAN win!" Duo said, deliberately emphasizing the male pronoun and receiving a lovely shade of purple on Relena's face for a reward.   
  
[Music starts]  
  
~~One, two, three, four!~~  
  
Duo and Relena both stomp towards the current safehouse, and their minds drift towards Heero, and they both sigh in unison, before giving each other renewed dirty looks and resume their stomping and reminiscing.  
  
Relena smiles at the thought of what she has compared to Duo, sure that material wealth alone will be enough to hook Heero. After all, she'll be able to supply him with an infinite amount of things to blow up. She starts singing inside her head.  
  
~~Fortune has me well in hand  
Armies wait at my command  
My gold lies in a foreign land  
Buried deep beneath the sand~~  
  
Duo smirks as he thinks of the talent he's shown, letting Heero see how damn good of a soldier he is himself! After all, you can't kill death, can you? Besides, Sister Helen and Father Maxwell are looking after him. He, too, starts to sing silently.  
  
~~The angels guide my every tread  
My enemies are sick or dead  
But all the victories I've lead  
Haven't brought you to my bed~~  
  
Sighing simultaneously again, they bow their heads for a moment, forced to concede, however, that no matter how many fans Relena has, or how many times Duo's found himself propositioned, they still come up against one inescapable fact. In a duet, they sing  
  
~~You see, everybody loves me baby, what's the matter with you?  
Won't you tell me what did I do to offend you?~~  
  
The Queen of the World and the God of Death burst through the front door and into the living room of the current safehouse, where Quatre is drinking a cup of tea, Trowa is reading a Sherlock Holmes mystery and poor innocent Heero is calmly clacking away on his laptop, completely unaware of what is about to descend upon him.   
  
Relena stands, hands on hips, directly in front of the Perfectly Startled Soldier as she slams the top of his laptop down. Duo stands smirking in the far corner of the room as Relena outlines all that she's done for Heero's sake: the Sanc Kingdom, saving herself for him: "Oh, can you imagine how wonderful our child will be Heero, with your genetic material and mine? It will be perfect!"  
  
~~The purest race I've bred for thee   
To live in my democracy  
And the highest human pedigree   
Awaits your first born boy baby~~  
  
Heero looks unimpressed and tries to get his laptop back, "Omae o--" only to find Duo has skillfully, ahem, 'borrowed' his gun. "Now, now, Hee-chan, none of that until you choose between us. You should at least give Relena her fair say, since that's all you'll be giving her, ne?" Heero growls. Relena, ticked off, launches again into the rich economies and complete peace within the Sanc Kingdom, and how he'll gain all this if he'll only admit his love for her and "put this street rat -- no, this street *cockroach* -- in his place!"  
  
~~My face on every coin engraved  
The anacrchists are all enslaved  
My own flag is forever waved  
By the grateful people I have saved~~  
  
Heero mutters, "Go away, Relena." Quatre is squirming, looking infinitely uncomfortable with this, and even Trowa is casting a few longing eyes at the door.  
  
Duo smirks. "Now watch this, Relena." Swaggering up to Heero nonchalantly, he proceeds to stroke a hand over his face, delicately and slowly, then down his throat, sliding his shirt open *just* a little to improve the show. Heero seems completely unmoved, and an irritated Duo turns up the heat. A sudden commotion at the door claims everyone's attention for a moment, and they all raise an eyebrow to see Quatre positively dragging Trowa out by his hair, demanding to know where the handcuffs were -- "I know you, Trowa! You've hidden them SOMEWHERE!" -- with Trowa still grimly hanging onto his poor abused hair in one hand and holding to the door frame for dear life with the other. This did not last long, and soon Trowa and Quatre disappeared upstairs and the sound of bedsprings came very faintly. Duo smiles triumphantly and says, "There -- if I can do that to them, what makes you think I can't do it to HIM?!" He turns, and sweatdrops to see an oblivious Heero becoming engrossed in Trowa's dropped Holmes novel.  
  
~~You see, everybody loves me baby, what's the matter with you?  
Won't you tell me what did I do to offend you?~~  
  
That did it. The two start arguing over Heero, almost ignoring the fact that he was there entirely.   
  
"Shinigami lives! I'm the one who helped protect the land and the people you now rule, Miss High-and-Mighty! Just because you didn't fancy getting your hands dirty, don't blame the whole war on ME!"  
  
~~No land is beyond my claim  
When the land is seized in the people's name  
By evil men who rob and maim  
If war is hell, I'm not to blame~~  
  
~~Why, you can't blame me, I'm Heaven's child  
I'm the second son of Mary Mild  
And twice removed from Oscar Wilde  
But he didn't mind, why he just smiled~~  
  
Relena wails to Heero "You have to like me! Everyone else does! Even the weather likes me! It's always nice and sunny around ME!!"  
  
~~Now the ocean parts when I walk through  
The clouds dissolve, the sky turns blue  
I'm held in very great value  
By everyone I meet but you~~  
  
Duo retaliates by reminding the both of them that it wasn't Relena who won the war, now was it? And that for a "street cockroach" he'd done pretty well for himself. "You think you're so smart, Relena, but you wouldn't know even the theoretical physics of the stuff I've had to repair to Deathscythe!"   
  
~~'Cause I've used my talents as I could  
I've done some bad, I've done some good  
I did a whole lot better than they thought I could  
So come on and treat me as you should~~  
  
Heero stands up. Silently stamping upstairs, a door slams in the distance as Duo and Relena stare openmouthed, then grin. A step taken.   
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious? He wants me to go up to his room with him."  
  
"YOU? Not likely!"  
  
"Well then, we'll both just have to go and see!"  
  
~~Because, everybody loves me baby, what's the matter with you?  
Tell me what did I do to offend you?~~  
  
Duo and Relena sprint up the stairs, each trying to push the other behind them. "He's mine, he's mine, he's mine!" their minds chanted joyfully.  
  
~~Yeah! Everybody loves me baby, what's the matter with you?  
Tell me what did I do to offend you!~~  
  
Opening the door to Heero's room, struggling more than a little over the doorknob, they both exploded in and landed in a messy pile on the floor...  
  
A pile of clothes. Heero's clothes, and...  
  
"Omae o korosu!"  
  
"MAXWELL! ONNA! Don't either of you know how to KNOCK??"  
  
And for the first time ever, Relena and Duo agreed on something regarding Heero.  
  
They fainted.  
  
~~Yeah! Everybody loves me baby, what's the matter with you?  
Tell me what did I do to offend you!~~  
  
##OWARI##  
  
  



End file.
